I guess it starts where it begins, and always seems to be coming back around again. The truth is, I’m fine, when fine is never enough. When all the forward progression ends up being just standing still, spinning round and round and laughing like a child …swirling in all the currents that dance their way into this moment, constantly staring me down. I like to step back and laugh at it.

I want to climb to the top of the highest something and lose my breath yelling fuck off… don’t tell me how to love and who, don’t tell me how to talk or write or think or feel or anything. I’ll make my own fucking way through this world” and then kiss them on the forehead and tell them how much I love them and appreciate all they have to teach me even the bullshit I choose to reject.

It’s interesting what some people choose to just, not see. In the midst of all these thoughts and movement, sometimes I forget to breath. Waiting for tomorrow when it’s always just today. Standing in the shadows asking myself “who am I?” Sit up straight, boy. Tomorrow’s coming…….

I’m gonna Vent …it’s why I set up this blog

It’s not easy being a single father. Compromising what feels like your entire world to aid in the development of a newer version of yourself [Bri(Adam 2.0-beta)]. The little time I can salvage at the end of the day to create is NEVER long enough and I often find myself sacrificing precious sleep to develop works or ideas late into the night.

I just want to create. I just want to spend the bulk of my day neck deep in creation, turning the whisper to light, the light to vision and the vision to reality. I want to carve and paint and mold and bend and shape and grind and weld and write and sing and play and learn. I want to touch and taste and smell and hear and look deeply. I want to be totally present in those things and know what it is to be me and witness what flows throw me and share it with you.

I want to see you and I want you to see me. I want to fly low, close to the trees and sit silent and watch the world change form before me. I want to be your reflection in the setting son. I want the world to rejoice in my prayers to live each moment …to not turn away from the pain or the fear but to know them just as well …to clear the smoke and remove the labels and experience it all

I want to breath you in….

It draws my breath and sends life coursing through my veins

It’s a sparrow’s song at night

The drip, drip, dripping, from the eve

The smile it passes as I throw words at it that fall short

The trying in spite of the barb fingered sorrow

The drip, drip, dripping from my eyes

Grasping for ghosts, dusty memories of days all but forgotten

Pining in wait for that bright, shiny perpetual tomorrow

As time tightens the noose it gently slipped around my throat

How is it that in these moments I forget that I’m alive….

I feel the anger strike deep and pummel once fortified moral ground

The bones of which surround me, a memorial to lost battles

I draw my own breath, void, alone …the way I like it

The way I came …the way I’ll go

Here’s something for you to snack on, since you already have all the answers anywho…. check it out

A phoenix is rising …the truth is, the human race has been raping the earth for so long! she’s fuckin’ pissed (and the innocent will die with the rest)…. wait ‘till YellowStone erupts – we’re all screwed (now forget about all this and keep your eyes fixed to the ground and march mice, MARCH ON) keep consuming and pilfering our planet’s splendor with such a blatant disrespect it shames me to be a part of the human race. Grab some drugs or alcohol or buy stuff or do whatever it is you do to take your mind off the reality that will inevitably force your (not to mention the whole of humanitys) resignation from this world.

Our unsustainable consumption, by definition, makes us a parasitic species. And our socioeconomic climate facilitates, nurtures & perpetuates our parasitic behavior. And I understand it, I’ve felt these things. It seems too huge an undertaking to challenge the status quo so we sit idly by and watch. And admittedly, I’m as guilty as those I’m pointing my finger at.

So maybe I am guilty for the deaths of all those Japanese people who drown in saltwater this morning. After all, quantum science says (Unified Feild) what I’ve felt all along. We are all connected……. “We did not weave the web of life. We are merely a strand in it. What we do to the web, we do to ourselves.”

*Do you feel that welling up inside of you……. Do ya? That means you’re alive fucker! Appreciate it, appreciate what affords you that ability*

In short: It was nice knowing you all! Now be sure to tip your waitress, your money’s no good were we’re going

* i hope this accurately illustrates my contempt for the gross heathenism of what we have inaptly named “civilization.” civilized? come on!!!! When the shit hits the fan we’ll see how civilized we are…..

PS – I love you all & pardon the cursing. We’ll just chalk it up to tough love. This whole thing is really me talking to myself (all the while feeling dissapointment in my own inaction)

…peace

comment – pleaze…….

I remember as a child, having a certain disregard for things others thought were so grave and important. My cavalier approach to certain situations, situations involving a danger some people perceived as threatening, made others anxious. I would jump into situations they perceived as dangerous and come out shining. I accredit this ability to the deep trust I had in my owe intuition, the ability to sense if a certain act or situation was threatening. This was a kind of trust in myself and my ability and what I can only explain as an ability to sense the flow of energy through the world around me. Something I have since lost and now mourn over. I toss tears into the gaping void it has left in its passing.

Over time I lost the ability to recognize the deep knowing gifted to me by my intuition. This loss occurred when my intuition would tell me one thing, society would tell me another, and a questioning arose. Were they right? Was my intuition deceiving me? Was it an evil force created to lure me into danger so I might more readily forfeit my life to some dark force? It was this betrayal of self, this questioning, that built a wall between us that now, two decades into my life had all but severed my connection to its source, which was ironically the time I needed it most.

But there I was, in my early twenties with no innate sense of direction. And as fate would have it, in the recent years prior I had lost all sense of purpose through the breakdown of the very foundation I had built the whole of my human experience on. This breakdown initiated when the patriarchal pillar of my family had thrown in the towel. As these events transpired, what was left of my intuition told me not to hold on to issues other were labeling so grave and important but when I took a neutral, almost transparent (no pun intended) stance I was labeled traitor and emotionally manipulated into clinging to these issues like boulders in a deep muddy river.

It seems I was destined to navigating the early years of my adult life with no purpose or direction, a dangerous endeavor. I was aimlessly wondering through halfhearted attempts at economic and psychological stability, all the while flirting with substance abuse. More than short bouts of reckless abandonment dotted a landscape void of the higher learning and spiritual growth I had so highly regarded in my adolescence. None who knew me at the time would be surprised to find me drunk and rowdy, spouting pure blatant nonsense for the entertainment of my peers or smoking the tire off my Harley while a buddy fed me beers. It was fun and that was enough.

And here I am, at the cusp of my thirties, reveling in the ineffable vastness of the potential that lies before me. As thou a curtain was lifted on the theatrical production “the Tao of Infinity.”

-Adam Steele

His slumbering….
His Heavy Breathing turns to smoke and flame
…A daemon stirs in me

His waking weighs heavy….
I loath his inevitable wake of pain and regret
…the struggle to lull the beast

His eyes …balls of searing flame
Stare back at me
This whiskey flares the flames
Singeing our tomorrows

…why must you coax the devil in me?

This maps the natural progression of my thoughts….

I have a deep desire to be “effective.” Meaning; using my time to its full potential. I sometimes feel like I’m just wasting my life here on earth and I find myself praying to be shown the most effective use of my time. But I usually find that, in hindsight, I seldom realize that goal. I guess I have so start at the root. What does it mean, to me, to be effective?

I guess I would define it as realizing my deepest desires. Which leads me to the question: What are my deepest desires? And to answer that question requires Truth. Truth beyond socially acceptable answers or the fear of ridicule. What do I fundamentally desire?

Happiness, is the first thing that pops into my mind. But after further contemplation I realize that after 30 years of life, happiness always comes with a price. I once read a quote that went a little something like this, “Heaven puts the perfect price on everything”, and I’m inclined to believe it.

So that leads me to my second answer: experiences that bring me happiness, experiences of learning and wonder and growth. You know? Those amazing experiences that just blow some thought form right out of the water. Thought forms that you’ve harbored for years and in an instant …PooF ….GonE

I feel like this is my fundamental desire: to be fully present in the human experience and draw to me more experiences that bring with them Happiness …and have the ability to gracefully accept the negative experiences that find me. Not only accept but to extract and amplify the good that is inherent in this world, to find that tiny ember of goodness in all we label bad and kindle a flame, build a raging inferno of Gratitude.

I feel like essentially we are not our bodies. Let me throw you a question. Who is Adam Steele? It’s an unanswerable question. First of all Adam Steele is a label that attempts to identify something unidentifiable. Something that, even in this dimension, has no boundaries. The only boundaries we have we create ourselves. The more we mentally differentiate ourselves from the whole of creation the stronger the barrier between us. Most of us believe we end at our fingertips and that belief makes it so, which was a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around when I first encountered it. I feel like our bodies are a vehicle that allows us to be in this world of time and matter and space.

Every day we experiment with the laws of physics and, even if only subconsciously, we learn. If this wasn’t true we couldn’t defy the force of gravity and stand up. Ask a robotics expert what amount of engineering and computing power it would take to build something that could walk as fluidly and dynamically as human or an animal even far less inelegant. From that perspective the ability to play soccer is a miracle. Which becomes a perfect illustration of the ability of a simple shift in perspective to change something we take for granted into a miracle.

Gotta go …Peace

The sun’s nearly set and late evening’s long shadows and amber hue stretch deep into the woods. A few meet my steps. Hand hewn half timbers that lead to a gracious porch where timber trusses and a tin roof lit by lantern light host Whitman and Thoreau, laughter and music strummed by heart and played by ear. A warm summer breeze dances through the chimes. The evening’s rain, our lead percussion as peepers join our chorus. A drum beat echoes through the hollow long after the sun’s pardon as we celebrate life, into the darkness….

Every Sunday my sisters and I went to sunday school at the catholic church in town named after St. John Francis Regis. A choice not our own. Every sunday school teacher I had would agree that I had a “behavior problem.” I remember in the spring, when the weather was nice the teachers would bring us outside for our lessons and after they had sufficiently shaped our ideals to their view of spirituality and worship, molded our understanding of the meaning of bible teachings to be congruent with their own, they would let us loose to experience the warm spring morning.

The church was perched at the foot of a sloping bank and when the sun would warm the rock walls above the church the garter snakes would come out in droves to soak up the sun’s warmth. I learned that if you stepped on their tail and grabbed them by the back of the head they couldn’t twist around and latch on. Not that a garter snake would inflict any damage but our idea of snakes tells us to avoid their bite at all costs, even the non-venomous varieties. I also learned that girls have particularly strong fear of garter snakes despite the snakes benign nature.

Looking back it seems like a strong metaphor for my life: the boy overcoming his socially impregnated fear of snakes and using the same fear to send girls fleeing through the church yard. I was nearly expelled from Sunday school for it. Banned from the teachings of the catholic church …yeah, that’s about right

I tame the snakes
For heaven sakes
Where sinners now abide
To dim the part
Of children’s souls
Where sanctity would hide
To stoop and claw
And plead with God

…quietly, they lied

I tame the snakes
For heaven sakes
Where sinners do abound
To dim the part
Of children’s souls
Where sanctity is found
To stoop and claw
And plead with God

…another sinner crowned