This maps the natural progression of my thoughts….

I have a deep desire to be “effective.” Meaning; using my time to its full potential. I sometimes feel like I’m just wasting my life here on earth and I find myself praying to be shown the most effective use of my time. But I usually find that, in hindsight, I seldom realize that goal. I guess I have so start at the root. What does it mean, to me, to be effective?

I guess I would define it as realizing my deepest desires. Which leads me to the question: What are my deepest desires? And to answer that question requires Truth. Truth beyond socially acceptable answers or the fear of ridicule. What do I fundamentally desire?

Happiness, is the first thing that pops into my mind. But after further contemplation I realize that after 30 years of life, happiness always comes with a price. I once read a quote that went a little something like this, “Heaven puts the perfect price on everything”, and I’m inclined to believe it.

So that leads me to my second answer: experiences that bring me happiness, experiences of learning and wonder and growth. You know? Those amazing experiences that just blow some thought form right out of the water. Thought forms that you’ve harbored for years and in an instant …PooF ….GonE

I feel like this is my fundamental desire: to be fully present in the human experience and draw to me more experiences that bring with them Happiness …and have the ability to gracefully accept the negative experiences that find me. Not only accept but to extract and amplify the good that is inherent in this world, to find that tiny ember of goodness in all we label bad and kindle a flame, build a raging inferno of Gratitude.

I feel like essentially we are not our bodies. Let me throw you a question. Who is Adam Steele? It’s an unanswerable question. First of all Adam Steele is a label that attempts to identify something unidentifiable. Something that, even in this dimension, has no boundaries. The only boundaries we have we create ourselves. The more we mentally differentiate ourselves from the whole of creation the stronger the barrier between us. Most of us believe we end at our fingertips and that belief makes it so, which was a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around when I first encountered it. I feel like our bodies are a vehicle that allows us to be in this world of time and matter and space.

Every day we experiment with the laws of physics and, even if only subconsciously, we learn. If this wasn’t true we couldn’t defy the force of gravity and stand up. Ask a robotics expert what amount of engineering and computing power it would take to build something that could walk as fluidly and dynamically as human or an animal even far less inelegant. From that perspective the ability to play soccer is a miracle. Which becomes a perfect illustration of the ability of a simple shift in perspective to change something we take for granted into a miracle.

Gotta go …Peace

The sun’s nearly set and late evening’s long shadows and amber hue stretch deep into the woods. A few meet my steps. Hand hewn half timbers that lead to a gracious porch where timber trusses and a tin roof lit by lantern light host Whitman and Thoreau, laughter and music strummed by heart and played by ear. A warm summer breeze dances through the chimes. The evening’s rain, our lead percussion as peepers join our chorus. A drum beat echoes through the hollow long after the sun’s pardon as we celebrate life, into the darkness….

Every Sunday my sisters and I went to sunday school at the catholic church in town named after St. John Francis Regis. A choice not our own. Every sunday school teacher I had would agree that I had a “behavior problem.” I remember in the spring, when the weather was nice the teachers would bring us outside for our lessons and after they had sufficiently shaped our ideals to their view of spirituality and worship, molded our understanding of the meaning of bible teachings to be congruent with their own, they would let us loose to experience the warm spring morning.

The church was perched at the foot of a sloping bank and when the sun would warm the rock walls above the church the garter snakes would come out in droves to soak up the sun’s warmth. I learned that if you stepped on their tail and grabbed them by the back of the head they couldn’t twist around and latch on. Not that a garter snake would inflict any damage but our idea of snakes tells us to avoid their bite at all costs, even the non-venomous varieties. I also learned that girls have particularly strong fear of garter snakes despite the snakes benign nature.

Looking back it seems like a strong metaphor for my life: the boy overcoming his socially impregnated fear of snakes and using the same fear to send girls fleeing through the church yard. I was nearly expelled from Sunday school for it. Banned from the teachings of the catholic church …yeah, that’s about right

I tame the snakes
For heaven sakes
Where sinners now abide
To dim the part
Of children’s souls
Where sanctity would hide
To stoop and claw
And plead with God

…quietly, they lied

I tame the snakes
For heaven sakes
Where sinners do abound
To dim the part
Of children’s souls
Where sanctity is found
To stoop and claw
And plead with God

…another sinner crowned

It finds me sifting through forgotten memories
Bundled tight in yesterdays

Whispered Words
Sheltered from worry’s ear
Small but courageous
Standing firm against the giants of the world

A desperate grasping for the clutch of your hand
Short breaths and vain pleading
What’s next, sensing your weakness, attacks….

“only a fool resists the seasons….”

Well…. I tore down the old and built new. now I have to start doing the same with some thought forms I’ve been harboring for far too long, although I’m not really sure where to start. I guess first identify them and then seek out experiences that will redefine them. It seems my idea of community needs some redefining. But that’s another story….

The truth is the only thing we really have control of are our thoughts and actions. There is a debate about which affects our daily lives more but I’m on the side of thought holding sway. I feel like if you can set aside even a little bit of time every day to just stop, take a moment to breath (that’s it – just breath) and then try to think of things that you love. Make a conscious effort to feel love everyday then your life will change dramatically.

…try this: when you get a few moments alone, sit somewhere you won’t be disturbed and just breath. Close your eyes and feel the air coming in to you, hold it for a bit and then fell it leave you as you exhale. Once you get comfortable with that instead of trying to meditate and “quiet your mind” (which I find very difficult) think of the things you love the most in your life. Your kids are an easy one. If you don’t have children then think of another loved one. If no one comes to mind try a pet or a place or an object or an experience.

For example: I like to think about riding a Harley through the white mountains in the fall or a very passionate intimate experience with a lover, something that’s just ours. I relive these experiences in my mind. For me, they draw from me a feeling of deep love. I’m sure if you think about it, it won’t take you long to find something that draws that same feeling from you. If you hold that thought and thus the feeling of love in your mind long enough you will feel it start to surge through your body.

In my opinion it’s that feeling of love that opens the gate for all that I create to flow through me from a magnificent sacred unseen force …the creator of all that is seen and unseen. Sit and hold that feeling of love and things will change. I’m tellin’ ya….

-Adam Steele