I remember as a child, having a certain disregard for things others thought were so grave and important. My cavalier approach to certain situations, situations involving a danger some people perceived as threatening, made others anxious. I would jump into situations they perceived as dangerous and come out shining. I accredit this ability to the deep trust I had in my owe intuition, the ability to sense if a certain act or situation was threatening. This was a kind of trust in myself and my ability and what I can only explain as an ability to sense the flow of energy through the world around me. Something I have since lost and now mourn over. I toss tears into the gaping void it has left in its passing.
Over time I lost the ability to recognize the deep knowing gifted to me by my intuition. This loss occurred when my intuition would tell me one thing, society would tell me another, and a questioning arose. Were they right? Was my intuition deceiving me? Was it an evil force created to lure me into danger so I might more readily forfeit my life to some dark force? It was this betrayal of self, this questioning, that built a wall between us that now, two decades into my life had all but severed my connection to its source, which was ironically the time I needed it most.
But there I was, in my early twenties with no innate sense of direction. And as fate would have it, in the recent years prior I had lost all sense of purpose through the breakdown of the very foundation I had built the whole of my human experience on. This breakdown initiated when the patriarchal pillar of my family had thrown in the towel. As these events transpired, what was left of my intuition told me not to hold on to issues other were labeling so grave and important but when I took a neutral, almost transparent (no pun intended) stance I was labeled traitor and emotionally manipulated into clinging to these issues like boulders in a deep muddy river.
It seems I was destined to navigating the early years of my adult life with no purpose or direction, a dangerous endeavor. I was aimlessly wondering through halfhearted attempts at economic and psychological stability, all the while flirting with substance abuse. More than short bouts of reckless abandonment dotted a landscape void of the higher learning and spiritual growth I had so highly regarded in my adolescence. None who knew me at the time would be surprised to find me drunk and rowdy, spouting pure blatant nonsense for the entertainment of my peers or smoking the tire off my Harley while a buddy fed me beers. It was fun and that was enough.
And here I am, at the cusp of my thirties, reveling in the ineffable vastness of the potential that lies before me. As thou a curtain was lifted on the theatrical production “the Tao of Infinity.”